Articles >> Daddy >> The First Annual Shaw Family Annual Report

The First Annual Shaw Family Annual Report and Paternal Performance Review

by Michael Shaw

Well, big news! The Shaw family has incorporated. As chief executive hunter and gatherer, I've decided to shift our paradigms here a bit and apply mainstream corporate philosophy to our family. It seems to be working for George the Younger at the presidential level, so what the heck, being a father isn't that much tougher. So why can't the average American family get down to business?

Wait, there's more big news! We've also become a not-for-profit. (Made sense, with this whole having kids thing can really put a hurt on the bottom line.)

And can you believe it? There's more:

Some fathers-to-be may not be aware of this, but leading researchers in family development (who will remain nameless because they do not exist) recommend that every father annually undergo an honest self-appraisal of their contribution to the family unit.

MY RESULTS:
This year I am assigning myself an "Effective, Mostly" And that's pretty much what I expected: scoring a Very Good in "providing entertaining and lively home environment" but getting tagged with a Needs Improvement in maintaining reassuring fatherly demeanor (formerly known as the Ward Cleaver quotient).

Recommendation:
Wear cardigans more often and try to hang out in the den (We don't have a den, so I'll be in the downstairs bathroom if you need me). Here are some other highlites in positive paternal achievements:

• Assisted in acquiring and retaining new family members. Example: Liam, our newest addition, continues to thrive and flower into full toddler-hood. A prime example of my own special technique of slow-release Fatherhood. Example: He's a little over a year old, and father and son continue to have a courteous and thoroughly professional relationship. In fact, one of his first words was not only "da-da" but "dank-goo. " (No, he's not referring to his diaper but saying thank you.) I can envision Liam's success in the services industry already!

Other areas for improvement:

• When bathing baby in kitchen sink, remove all dishes first.
• Diapers should be changed, not just turned inside-out then reattached.
• Bottles containing milk that does not move when shaken should be discarded.

Hey wait, I got more areas of achievement!

• Facilitated the acquiring and retaining new family (non-human) members (cat).

(I wish to insert a personal comment at this point.) Ah, Mr. Larry T. "Scat" Cat, what would life be without you? (Less stinky, perhaps.) But since you have come into our lives, we've gained so much from your presence. (Mostly in the form of fur.) And who knew a simple cat could be so productive? (Hairball.) Finally, here's hoping your loss will be our gain. (Snip. Snip.)

Still other areas of achievement:

• Enhanced and expanded the quality of life for pre-existing family members. (Hannah, our eldest daughter, is now 5 and has come to term with the fact that even if royalty left her on our doorstep, they're probably not returning.)

Areas of improvement with Hannah:

• Hannah will continue to assist in family chores, but should be limited to setting the table or feeding the Mr. Larry T. "Scat" Cat. Electrical work is best left for professionals.
• Hannah must get permission from Mommy before floating Daddy a payday loan.
• I will also refrain from disciplining Hannah with the vague threat of her "daughter warranty" not quite being up yet.

(FINALLY, FATHER BEING REVIEWED MAY ATTACH PERSONAL COMMENTS)

I've always approached fatherhood like baseball. It's a long season. Always better to hold a little back, and save a little for the long haul. So, maybe I wasn't all-star material in the delivery room, I will rock when Hannah and Liam's prom nights rolls around!

And as Liam would say, dank goo.

	Go!
			Glossary On Turn off Glossary
			Send to a friend
			Feedback

In the Store Today

Bay Rum Men’s Grooming Kit