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First-time
Fatherhood: FAQs
by Michael Shaw
Dad
or Dad-to-be, you've absorbed every word of ChildbirthSolutions (even
the accessorizing hints for the modern on-the-go doula). But amazingly,
you've still got questions. What's more amazing, I already know what
those questions are, and here are the answers. So read this and set
your mind at ease. Still got questions? We all do. Welcome to parenthood!
Q. "My wife just told me she's pregnant. How could this happen?"
A. No one is quite sure what causes pregnancy. While current
research has revealed a possible "love virus" that stays dormant until
some causative agent interacts. (Often the music of Barry White or Frank
Sinatra.) Other scientists theorize that certain chemical agents are
often involved. My wife and I conducted a painstaking review of all
activity leading up to the conceiving of our second child, Liam, and
concluded a bottle of Merlot probably played a significant role. As
for the mechanics of conception, ever played Marco Polo with a million
little swimmers? You're it!
Q. "Will becoming a father for the first time have a significant
impact on my current life style?"
A. Absolutely not. Especially if your current lifestyle does
not involve any outside or time consuming activity such as golf, bowling,
poker night with the boys, or getting more than three hours of uninterrupted
sleep at a time. You should be just fine.
Q. We've been trying for a while now. No luck yet. Any advice?
A. Relax. As I mentioned before, our second child was conceived
after a pleasant dinner and wonderful bottle of wine. In fact, before
we knew what was happening we started making wild, passionate love right
then and there! (Of course, we can't go back to that restaurant anymore.)
Q. I've been attending all the birthing classes, but I can't
shake the feeling that I'm going to faint in the delivery room. I'm
just being a little paranoid, right?
A. You're chances of actually keeling over is quite faint. But
just to be on the safe side, I would advise you to either wear a football
helmet into the delivery room. (Creates a truly reassuring and masculine
effect.) Or just duct tape foam rubber around your head, and run into
the delivery room yelling, "I'm Dr. Duct Tape! There ain't nothin that
duct tape won't fix, including episiotomies! " That will break the tension,
you'll breath normally, and won't faint.
Q. Even though I'm excited about the birth of our first child.
I can't get as excited as my wife. In fact the whole thing doesn't seem
real to me. Why is this?
A. Even though we are an advanced, civilized and service-based
society, nature still has a way of getting its little primal claws in
you. Men, at their most primal core, are hunters (or car salesmen).
So once you supplied your requisite chromosomes into the gene pool,
a dark, moribund instinct tries to pull you back into the jungle (or
the used car lot). And as modern, enlightened men we fight this instinct.
But doubts somehow linger. Sure the doctor said she was pregnant, sure
you saw the sonogram but maybe she swallowed a peanut whole and it somehow
lodged in her uterus. Sure she seems to be putting on a little weight,
but are you really, really sure? Mister, you need to make your approaching
fatherhood real. So call up a financial advisor and ask about the projected
cost of college approximately 18 years from now. That'll make it real.
Now get out in that jungle and start hunting for a mutual fund that
will return a compounded rate of 20% annually!
Q. Do father's-to-be need a special diet?
A. You should be on the Daddy Diet. This will prepare you for
months of yummy, paternal dining. Start with a half-cup of warm milk
in a crusty sippy cup. Then some mashed carrots, sweet potatoes or turnips.
(Be sure to say Num!Num!Num! with each bite.) Followed that up with
a meat stick or two of indefinite origin. For lighter fare, I recommend
Froot Loops® or Cheerios® picked up off the kitchen floor. For more
roughage, sweep them up before serving. Bon Appetit!
Q. If I'm offered the opportunity to cut the cord, should I?
A. Of course! You've probably carved a turkey in front of both
in-laws, this isn't much different. Just remember to snip on the correct
side of the instrument! Afterward (for real laughs) bill your services
back to the hospital.
Q. Everything I know about changing a diaper I learned from The
Three Stooges. This included cutting up a tablecloth, the use of clothespins,
and about four feet of rope. Any other hints?
A. Nope, Buddy. You're all set. Remember authentic Irish linen
makes the best diapers.
Q. Our newborn is perfectly healthy, except I can see no physical
resemblance to myself. Is this a silly concern?
A. Not all. When my daughter Hannah was born, I was tormented
by thoughts that she looked like our beloved 34th president, Dwight
Eisenhower. Maybe Mom really liked Ike best. But then I realized our
beloved president had already been dead a few decades. So what if she
doesn't look like me? I just took a long look in the mirror and thought:
maybe that's not such a bad thing. Now she is incredibly attractive
- she looks like her mother! (Note to all you father-to-be's out there:
It never hurts to earn extra credit!)
Q. Our newborn often cries in the night. What does this mean?
A. It means get up daddy, mom needs her rest! (It never hurts
to earn extra extra credit!)
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